I get envious.

Not me or my kid. Photo via http://4.bp.blogspot.com/

I get envious. It’s one of those things you’re not supposed to say out loud. But it’s not shameful. It’s human. Yes, some more evolved humans than me might not feel it, or say they don’t. Good for them. Now I’m envious of them too. haha

I feel envy when someone gets something that I covet or believe I deserve. I try to shake it off and move forward, and I usually can eventually. It can take time.

Part of being human is honoring my feelings. I want to allow myself to feel, then aim to process in an efficient and positive manner. I’m taking the next step. I’m allowing myself to admit it aloud.

I get envious.

Why?

Because I wanted that [promotion, job, assignment, body, award, feeling, other] and [you, he, she, they, it] got it. Perhaps there was only one to get and now it’s gone forever. I wanted it. I deserved it.

Why?

I wanted it because I felt it would make my life better somehow. Because I worked hard for it, usually. I deserved it.

Why?

Hard work, time, desire. When I strongly desire something, I have a harder time moving on post-envy.

Why?

Because if I didn’t get it, I need to consider why. Was I not good enough? Did I really not try hard enough, even though part of me thinks I did?

Why?

Then I am focused again on self doubt. A dangerous place I go to differently as I age – for different reasons. I’ve gained self confidence in so many ways, but in other ways, not having accomplished things ‘by this age’ leaves me feeling so much worse now than it did in my younger days.

Truth.