Tighten this!

I was more excited than I had anticipated after receiving a shout out from the Tighten This bloggers from a recent Tighten This Sentence Challenge. Note Marcia’s vote for me about halfway down the page.

It came with a caveat – she disagreed with my omitting ‘that.’ I respectfully disagree, Marcia.

The game is you take a wordy, meandering sentence or two they post, and you suggest best way to rewrite it concisely without losing original meaning.

The post:

Our mission, which is to provide the highest level of educational experience for all of our children, is of paramount importance and is reflected in the dedicated and talented professionals who work each day on behalf of our students and communities.

My suggestion, which Marcia liked because of my low word count:

We believe all children have the right to quality education.

She says grammar dictates it should read: We believe that all children …..

I don’t think the ‘that’ adds any value. But I’ll take the credit for improving on the sentence.

All part of the writing practice.