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My heart can’t take it

April 1, 2013

Just more than a week ago, my little bug passed the year and a half mile marker. We’ve come so far, but he is still so little. Last weekend, when someone else was playing with him, he fell on a stone fireplace hearth and cut his head so badly that it required three levels of stitches. I didn’t even know that existed. And I literally feel like my heart can’t take it.

It was an accident. I get that. The logical side of me understands that accidents happen. But fuck logic. I don’t care. I can’t stop replaying the scene in my mind, visualizing his face, the seemingly black hole I saw on his face when I grabbed him and screamed for my husband. There are at least 4 things I should have done differently that would have avoided this accident. Simple things. Easy fucking things. And why didn’t I do them? I sure as hell don’t know. He was having a blast. I was comfortable. I’m not one of those “crazy” parents who’s worried about everything.

I think I want to become one of those parents. If it stops or at least lowers the chances of anything like this ever happening again, then I want to be one of those parents. Because this giant bandage and scar that will soon be in the middle of the forehead of this sweet little boy’s face is way, way, way too much for me to bear.

And I know it’s not nearly as bad as so many other things that could happen to him. I don’t care about that. I care about my reality, which is this, now, and I hate it. 

2 Comments leave one →
  1. gina permalink
    April 2, 2013 04:48

    my heart goes out to you Abbe. I don’t have children but i do understand how you part. I try to protect my dear old dad from falls and I go home after thinking he is safe, and he falls a dozen times more and is injured and I think what I failed to do…how I am I to blame. What can i do to help this from happening? I gives me a heavy heart. I wish it were me in his place. I love that man and my mom. Scary. Want them to come live with me. I get that. Think about how many time you HAVE protected and that little one. Literally all of his life. He then has a fall and is injured, You are there and make it better. the child forgets and remembers Mom and Dad..loving caring protecting sympathizing nurturing. everything you are.Wound heals. We learn a lesson but mostly that crap happens and you can’t always prevent it…you are right. It would make you nuts and you would never sleep…There is only so much any human being can do…so you pray for protection over them and kiss t.hem goodnight and do another day. Sutures heal well these days. We all have our stories. God bless you.


    • April 2, 2013 07:37

      Thank you, @Gina. We seem to go full circle as we age, for better or worse. All the very best for you and your family.


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